Archive for the relationships Category

11 Things Mom or School Should Have Taught Me About Sex

Posted in African American Interests, marriage, personal, relationships, sex on June 27, 2012 by beneaththeunderdog

Sex.  The mere mention of the word in some circles can cause reactions measuring from sheer embarrassment to utter anger.  Sex education brings on a similar myriad of emotions.  Sex education, though, is becoming a more integral part of adolescence with the  number of sexually active teens rising every year.  Leaving your kids to learn from their big brothers or porn can lead to the passing on of myths and worse, misinformation.  For me, there were many things that didn’t become clear to me until  I was well into my twenties. 

1.  Masturbation is awesome!

Think of the problems that could be avoided if teens were simply told it was alright to have a self-love party whenever they felt like it?  No, it will not make your eyes cross.  No, it will not make you stutter.  No, God will not send you to hell for it.  It amazes me the number of women that I’ve been with(trust me it’s not that big of a number) who know less about their own anatomy than I do.  It’s equally amazing the number of moms who do not know how to explain to their sons proper hygiene of their, the sons, parts.  We have a generation of ignorant adults who are charged with teaching their children the right and wrong things to do with their bodies.  Think of the frustrations and confusion that could have been alleviated if our parents had taught us that it was ok to explore our bodies in safe ways.  We should all be familiar with our bodies and how it works and there is nothing shameful about that.

2.  Manhood is amalgamous.

So often young men think that manhood equals vast amounts of bravado and machismo… and little else.  The truth is that being a man is a complex ballet.  The most important thing is to find your niche… not someone else’s idea or caricature of what manhood is.  The greatest men on this planet were the most unassuming.

3.  Sexuality does not fit into a box.

Sexuality isn’t some flawless computer program that never has glitches.  If you see a man/woman walking down the street and notice how attractive they are, that doesn’t mean you want to do something with them, and that does not mean you are batting for the other team.  You can be as straight as an arrow while admitting another man or woman is attractive.  Being comfortable with yourself is a sign of strength.  Besides being hyper active about being ‘not gay’ is not a good look.

4.  Skin is the largest sexual organ. 

Hug your partner while fully clothed.  Take your shirts off and hug again.  There’s just something qualitatively different about pressing naked flesh together.  Touch has the psychological effect of helping people feel loved, happy, accepted, calm and reassured; all elements that are important in a happy and healthy sexual relationship.  Too often sex is limited to the skin that creates our sex organs.  When is the last time you touched or kissed you partner behind their knee.   Have you ever kissed their elbow.  Behind their ear.  Too often we get hurried into getting to the penetration, when simply slowing down and caressing can heighten and prolong the pleasure.

5. Pee after sex.

You ever wake up after sex and feel needles and pins jabbing your bladder?  You ever piss fire or knives after sex?  Having sex introduces bacteria to normally sterile places.  Peeing flushes those bacteria away, lessening your chances of painful urinary tract infections.

6.  Sex comes with feelings. 

Sex is not without its pitfalls.  Try as most might, it is almost impossible to have sex with someone without having feelings or expectations afterwards.  Know this going in.  Understand too your level of feelings that may result may not be equal to those of your partner.  So be prepared for rejection.  The best solution to this problem is to be sure you both have mutual feelings and goals prior to having sex. 

7.  Toys are ok–required.

Sex toys are not evil…or trashy… or abnormal.  Sex toys cover a broad spectrum of items that are designed to enhance physical pleasure.  If it feels good, use it.  If in a relationship never substitute a toys for your partner.  Always remember to focus on giving and not taking, and the use of toys will never be a problem in a relationship.  The idea is to achieve sexual and emotional intimacy.  If a toy does that for you, GO FOR IT!

8.  Talking during sex is ok.

Telling your partner what excites you is ok.  If you do not communicate the  chances of you having awful, boring, or uninspired sex is increases exponentially.  Never be ashamed to be honest about what pleases you…no matter how weird you think it may be.  You’ll never get what you want and you’ll spend more time complaining to your friends about how weak your sex life is.

9.  70-80% of women cannot orgasm through sexual intercourse alone.

This is a simple fact that is missed by both sexes.  Women are often moved to feel inadequate and fake it.  Men often feel like failures who can’t please their woman.  There are other ways to help women reach orgasm.  She is/you are not defective.

10.  Orgasm is not the end of sex.

Orgasm is not the  ‘end’ of sex but its resolution.  Obsessive concentration on reaching climax obscures whatever else there is to be enjoyed sexually.  The ultimate goal should be pleasure and intimacy.  Orgasm is not a must every time.

11.  Real people have hair.

Porn and pop culture leads us to believe that in order to be proper and sexy one must be hairless from the eyebrows down.  This is not true.  Most people have hair ‘down there’ and it does not mean they’re lacking in hygiene, discretion, or love.  It just means they are happy with their natural, normal state.

Fear Is The Greatest Enemy Of Feminism

Posted in African American Interests, feminism, relationships, Uncategorized on March 18, 2012 by beneaththeunderdog

“So de white man throw down de load and tell de nigger man tuh pick it up. He pick it up because he have to, but he don’t tote it. He hand it to his womenfolks. De nigger woman is de mule uh de world so fur as Ah can see.”    Zora Neale Hurston  “Their Eyes Were Watching God”

As a black man, my relationship with feminism is an odd one.

Let me qualify that.  It frustrates me that whenever I try to understand a subject or to explain it I do so through the lens of being a black man. In other words, I find it difficult to vet myself as a human without attaching my color.  In this instance my experiences are seen through a certain lens and perspective.

That perspective and lens is the examination of the relationship between right and wrong, rich and poor etc.  My quest is to just be… to just exist in a system and a world that wants me to emote under the veil of color blindness, while the rules never allow me to forget that I am Black.  So in an attempt to embrace alienation while simultaneously trying to eliminate it, from now on when I say ‘as a man’  I’m including all factors.  Most important for me, being Black.

This brings me back to my relationship with feminism.  I grew up with all types of men who never cared to  amalgamate how their words and deeds equalled to repression.  They were men, and their fathers taught them the lessons that had been passed down.  Most knew they were wrong  in action and deed, but they all seemed to pre-occupied or lacked the personal courage to be the impetus for change.

Luckily, through world travel and being a Marine, I have learned to strike down the stereotypes and unproven fears that serve to stymie the progress of women.  Women are just as much our equal.  Even though they make less money than we do and have to work twice as hard as men to prove their mettle.

My brothers, friends and family members, continue to rebuff my renaissance ideas about women and their, women’s, relegated place in society.  I can not blame them.  I used to be one of them.  The idea is as old as time.

There is, I think, a deeper reason for men who shun feminism as some hyper-liberal form of women wanting to be men.  I think it is rooted in the survival instinct of all of those who have the latter chromosome.  It is this:  if women have every right, advantage and privilege that men enjoy, what trump card will we hold when all factors are made equal?  It is this need for dichotomies, no matter how false or sopho-moronic, that helps them control the arguments which usually disintegrates into marathon bitching and moaning sessions.

It is a shame.  Too many people fail to realize that if all people were treated as equal then the quality of life on this planet would increase.  Not kings.  Not bitches.  Not dummies.  Just human beings.  Simply being born without a penis should hold no  disadvantages for women save for the ability to stand up and pee.

Women, not just black women, are the mules of the world.  They carry our  expectations, shortcomings, requirements, ridicule, and failures on their back. Most women never complain.  The too have been brainwashed by the old guard of men who have done the work to poison the sown seeds of prosperity  it is high time that someone spoke up for these unsung heroes.

What Exactly is Wife Material?

Posted in African American Interests, mariage, relationships, Uncategorized on March 17, 2012 by beneaththeunderdog

Stop me if you’ve heard this before.  Man meets woman.  They fall in love.  They move in together.  They pick drapes and plates.  They get engaged.  She’s thrilled and he’s just ok.  They are still engaged.  Still engaged.  Still engaged.  Still engaged.  Man calls off engagement and leaves woman and all she has left is ugly drapes and brittle plates.  Man finds new girlfriend, impregnate her and marries her right away.

This scenario plays itself out all the time.  To the great pain and mental detriment of women the world over, men seem to be leaving seemingly happy and ‘perfect’ existences in favor of other pastures.  Often time the women that the men were with initially are decidedly more attractive.  So what gives?  What makes a woman more desirable than another?  Are men actually shallow creatures?  What exactly is wife material?

A few answers can be found by looking at the studies of scientists and sociologists.  In a British study 3,500 men were asked about their fiancée only 20% used words such as ‘sexy’ or ‘gorgeous’.  The others focussed on their girlfriend’s personalities.  This suggests, that by and large, that a woman who is naturally beautiful is at a distinct and quite measurable disadvantage when it comes to marriageability.  Men seemingly prefer substance over status when it comes to marriage and the women they prefer to have children with.


Further evidence can be seen through studies about choosing a mate.  Women seem to base their decisions on a mate on a loss vs reward threshold.  Women, according to the study, choose a man based on his looks, next to her looks and the chances that she can lose him to another woman.  So a man must fit between a tolerable high/low scale to even have a chance.  A man, on the other hand, has a broader range.  He is more likely to date or mate with less desirable and less attractive women.  It is proven that during dating cycles men care more about a woman’s face, but her body type is more important when it comes to marriage.  So all of you women who are searching for a husband better throw away that M.A.C. makeup and pick up a taebo class or two.

Polling the men who work with me I found five universal traits that men are looking for:

  • Can You Burn?  Yes this is 2012 before you say anything.  Men do still expect a woman to perform traditional duties such as cook.  Most men have ben pampered by the women in their lives so a woman who can’t or won’t cook is at a distinct disadvantage when encountering a man like this.
  • Do You Like Family?  Men do not want to bring women into their lives who are going to cause friction with his own family. Equally troubling are women with daddy/mommy issues who are estranged from or engaged in battle with her own family.  Men want a seamless transition whenever it is time to blend the groups.  Also, men want their own family; a drama free, and happy family.
  • Are You a Go Getter?  Do yo want things out of life or are you happy with the level you are at now?  If you have no goals, then how can you dream with your man?   Real men do not want to be babysitters or dads to their girlfriends.
  • Do You Upgrade Me?  Being equally yoked is important.  Being equally invested in the overall happiness, direction, and health of the relationship is important.  You love him and he will love you back.
  • Will You Age Like Wine or Vinegar?  Do you have that ‘everything’ for all time’ quality?  Is this love or lust?  Can I see us rocking on the porch drinking ice tea when we are old?  Are you graceful?  This part you can not fake.  It will be obvious to both of you.

There are no sure-fire ways to get and keep a man.  Ultimately if he is going to stay he is going to stay.  Knowing the secrets will give you an advantage over your competition.  Men are seemingly simple creatures, but inside stirs a lot of emotion.  It is up to you to make him want you.  Afterall, we don’t know better.