Tao of a Redskins Fan
There are titles that one can say are callings. There are things that people are just born to be; tasks that they are born to perform. Burdens that they are born to carry. These things…the titles or burdens aren’t scribbled on construction paper in the kindergartens in America. How many times have you heard a kid say they wanted to be a priest? United States Marine? Used Car Salesman? It just doesn’t happen.
I hold such a title: Redskins fan. See, if that didn’t illicit any kind of tingle in your spine there definitely was scorn, embarrassment, laughter or pity. Maybe all of those things flashed inside your mind. It, being an undying and unapologetic Redskins fan, is a cross to bare. But I do it everyday. I wear my ‘skins hat with pride and defend them vigorously from all naysayers. Men… women… the erogenous zones mean nothing. If you criticize any one of my burgundy and gold brothers you will feel my verbal wrath. Small children…babies. no one is safe from my verbal sword.
Every year a stupor..a lethargy washes over me around March-April. The Redskins usually do just enough to win the preseason Super Bowl. We sign all of the sexy and splashy free agents. We welcome our new players with the greatest pomp and circumstance. Then September rolls around and our annual marathon of doing enough to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory begins. Up by 5 with under 4 minutes to go? Why not throw an interception on our own end and build an unfettered pathway for them to their end zone.
Get knocked down on a play? No worries, just lay down on the field as the quarterback weaves his way around you on his way to the end zone. You are a Redskin, and over the last 20 years we have perfected the art of nothingness and you better do your part to preserve our history.
It’s March and as usual we are making a splash. A blockbuster deal to get our next franchise quarterback. Heath Shuler comes to mind. We’ve signed a great wide receiver to catch the passes from our new savior. He will not be like Michael Westbrook… hopefully. We have a surefire hall of fame coach. Forget the Steve Spurrier experiment. I am ready to go. September can not get here fast enough. I just hope we signed another ortho doctor to help with the carnage of broken limbs and shredded ligaments that will ensure our 26th consecutive season of mediocrity. Go Skins!
Things could be worse. We could have the Steelers cheerleaders.