Archive for December, 2011

The Other Woman

Posted in Uncategorized on December 7, 2011 by beneaththeunderdog

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Psalm of the Married Man

My whims are my master; I shall not want
They maketh me to seek greener pastures:
They leadeth me to lie in strange boudoirs.
They erodeth my soul:
I stray from the paths of righteousness for my own sake.
Yea, though I drag you through the hellish extremes of an affair,
I shall not face my actions, for you can’t make me;
My lies and evasions they cover me.
Thou preparest a place for me in your life and your dreams:
Thou enablest my weakness with love;
My cup runneth over.
Surely anger and misery shall be caused by me all the days of my life:
and I shall dwell in the House of Denial forever.

“I’ll never live with another man again but, trust me, I never have a want or need for company.’  This is a refrain that is echoing inside parlors and living rooms, across phone lines and air waves, and in chat rooms and on social sites more and more.  Women are eschewing the traditional confines of relationships and marriage for the comfort and relative ease of  seasonal cuffing, casual dalliances, and sometimes finding solace in the sticky web of becoming ‘the other woman.’   Is this an age-old epidemic, a burgeoning business of sorts, or just a sign of the times?

Ginger White On Sex Life With Herman Cain                                                       

Why Is There Even a Market For The Other Woman?

The Part For Women

With increasing career options and demands, some women do not want to bother with the complexities, generational expectations, or honestly, the hassles that come with being someone’s ________.  Women are increasingly wanting and are able to have similar sexual demands, appetites,  and habits that men are notorious for:  ‘All I want is sex and the rest?  Leave it at the door!’  Becoming involved with a married man offers a lot of convenience, and most times, a built-in safety for a woman looking for physical satisfaction without the threat of having feelings and emotions becoming intertwined.  It’s a contract built on trusting untrustworthy people.  It seems to be a contract that is void of everything that counts in a relationship but the sex, and the gifts that are given for it, make it worth risking the potential embarrassment, hurt feelings, and separated families.

The Part For Men

The Madonna/Whore Complex.  It is probably the single biggest contributor to infidelity in men ever known.  It is not as simple as a man wanting his wife or girlfriend to be a woman in public and a freak in the bedroom.  The problem with men who suffer from this complex is that they do not tie sex and love together: love does not equal sex, and sex does not equal love.  There is no conscious tie between the two, whereas most women are raised with the ‘good girls don’t until they are married’ mentality.

There  are men, though, who do seek extramarital relationships because of a lack of excitement(see Tiger Woods’ mistresses… good time girls, all of them and seemingly ready to party whenever), or for the convenience of having someone  for discrete, safe sex(Herman Cain and Arnold Schwarzenegger fit in to this mold.. Ginger White and Mildred Baena are  proximity infatuations).   Woods, Cain, and the Governator may genuinely love their wives, but have no desire to defile or burden their wives, the mothers of their children (Who all men immediately apply the titles of virtuous, clean, and perfect),  with the hassle or burden of sex.  They would much rather have their wives continue to be their vision of the Madonna.  Or as Freud says, men want their wives to be the kind of women their own mothers were. 

What Does ‘The Other Woman’ Look Like?

We have all been inundated with Charlie Sheen’s goddesses and Tiger Woods’ good time girls, but the emerging picture of the other woman is the next door neighbor.  She looks normal like Schwarzenegger’s nanny, Mildred Baena, and Cain’s friend Ginger White.  Everyday, educated women are now willing to trade gifts and money for no-strings-attached sex.

The first line of this essay about never wanting to live with a man, but never wanting for company is something I’ve heard my female friends, female relatives, and female colleagues say… all the time… for all to hear.   It is a behavior that is becoming more accepted, even is ‘respected, higher social groups’.

Women of all shapes and sizes, perversions and appetites are letting their availability be known and they are not ashamed of the process.  Here’s what some of these women look like… and yes, I’ve named them:

The ‘Madeline’

      

The woman who is stunningly beautiful and also is well versed in social graces.  She replaces the woman who may have gained weight due to child birth or the woman who may not be as refined or presentable in public situations.

The ‘Becky’, ‘Carmen’, ‘Svetlana’, ‘Yoko”

                                       

She satisfies a man’s curiosities.  Men fantasize about being with women of another race or nationality.  Conquests of this kind can be fleeting, but are no less hurtful and damaging. 

The ‘Susie’            

This woman is a nurturer.   This woman does not mind playing second fiddle and never seeks to be ‘in charge’. She may be a single mother.  She definitely possesses great listening skills and is a nurturer of sorts.  She’s a confidante.  This kind of woman is recruited by men with wives who have a-type personalities; businesswoman or professionals who are just as much an equal in the boardroom as she is in the bedroom.

Are Wives and The Other Woman Splitting Hairs About Who’s Right/Wrong?

There is a school of thought out there that women who are married or involved in relationships are just the same as women who are content with being the other woman:  they both have sex with men with the expectation of money, gifts, trips, security, and housing. 

This idea is not as cut and dry as it seems.  When a relationship outside of a marriage happens there are no expectations except for sex and the payoff.  With a marriage there’s not only the expectation of being taken care of and getting sex, there’s also the expectation of fidelity, monogamy, trust, respect, and love.  Along with this married women are expected to be wives, mothers, representatives, and believers  of the family way.  The responsibility/reward scale is definitely tilted in the other woman’s favor.

Conclusion

The other woman isn’t going anywhere.  We live in a society and time where everything is available almost in an instant.  Catering to one’s more amorous desires is easy in the age of free porn sites, 900 numbers, and the Craigslist adult section.  Being the other  woman is often difficult.  These women have been reduced to being accepted for one task; everyone wants/needs to be loved and accepted.  Perhaps in this menage trois  of man, wife, and mistress there will one day be a medium of acceptance gained by all.  Afterall, we are more sophisticated as a people and society.  Or maybe, one day, we will all learn to be more content with the cards we are dealt, and learn to love each other and ourselves on a higher level.

Love, Life and Other Stuff

Posted in Uncategorized on December 5, 2011 by beneaththeunderdog

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can not utter.   Men suffer from this sickness more so than women, and marriages seem to suffer because men and women speak different love languages.  The opposing sexes just can’t seem to sync up so that  their hearts sing instead of war.

So, over the years, I’ve adopted certain rules to live by in every kind of relationship.  These work for me, and they’ve evolved and morphed over time.

 1.)  Accentuate their positives.  Most people are their own worse critics and lack the perspective to see their own magnificence.  Never waste an opportunity to let another person know how awesome they are and how their presence makes everyone else around them happy…better.

2.)  Be your true self.  Don’t become someone’s caricature of an ideal mate/friend.  Show you true colors.  Show you true personality.  Tell the truth.  Share your true beliefs.

3.)Don’t over-share.  Authenticity is not the same as complaining about everything in the name of ‘being  real’.  A true friend/love does share weaknesses and stresses that another causes, but be careful of not polluting the well.  Pick your battles and always wield a blunt sword that’s aimed at non-critical areas when critiquing another.

4.)  Listen.  Not with a critical ear or to see if you agree(my greatest flaw), but to gather an understanding of your lover.    Get to know what makes them tick and to know their strengths and weaknesses.

5.)  Embrace fully… even the thorns.  If someone is worth having around then welcome them and make them feel comfortable to be their true selves.  Everyone has idiosyncracies… revel in it.

6.)  Every person you encounter has something to teach you.  Even if it is your own personal feelings towards issues.  When meeting strangers be internally mindful of your initial reactions.  You’ll be surprised at how you truly feel about some people or situations.

7.)  Give… but not everything.  A hard lesson for me to learn was that I couldn’t save everyone from their own plights.  Giving everything you have helps no one and nothing.  Be free in giving, just save some for yourself.

8.)  You don’t have to agree with someone to respect their positions or opinions.

We all go through life collecting advice on life and living, love and maintaining love.   Things like: 

  • Love means treating people with kindness and gentleness.
  • Loving person is believing in them.
  • Loving the people in your life means celebrating their successes and cheering them on.

But I also grew up with some stories about love that I came to see weren’t so helpful. Those ideas about love bred problems in my relationships.

One of those stories was: Loving someone means always being available to them. (Not true and probably the biggest contributor to my divorce while i was enlisted in the Marine Corps.)

Another was: Loving someone means always having space for what they want to talk to you about. (People only have so much heart space that they can lease to others.  Most people aren’t careful with the things they want to  store or bring into a relationship.)

Another myth about love: If you love someone, you do what they are asking you to do, out of love, even if it feels difficult. (Someone who loves you would never leave you in a difficult situation.) 

These are my guidelines.  Make sure you develop your own.