Archive for September, 2011

25 Things to Avoid in Life: My Very Own ‘Fuck It’ List

Posted in Uncategorized on September 26, 2011 by beneaththeunderdog

It seems the world is awash with people putting together these so-called bucket lists: things to do before death.  Well, there isn’t much left to accomplish for me… save for EVERYTHING.  There are things that I want to avoid altogether or never re-experience.

I never want to:

1.  Get hair transplants.  I figure my hairline that’s akin to Mickey Mouse’s, helps me distinguish myself when it’s time to buy beer.  I never, ever get mistaken for someone under 21 years of age and it helps my days go smoother… at the ABC store… and 7/11.  Besides small children and babies think I’m a celebrity because I tell them the talking mouse is my cousin.

2.  Pretend I’m remotely interested in the Kardashians or any of the other IQ challenged reality show temptresses.  The faster my girlfriend knows that I hate Kim and Snookie the better.  Now I won’t get maced because I fell asleep right when Snookie is about to fist pump or Kim is crying because her drink doesn’t have enough ice in it.

3.  Have Dr. Phil give me life advice or  Maury read the results of my paternity test.  If I reach this level of stupidity and dysfunction, my problems are unfixable.

4.  Go to estate sales.  Something bothers me about walking through a dead persons house that have convenient price tags on everything the corpse worked to attain.  The last thing I want is that little lady from the Poltergeist movies on speed dial.

5.  Have the IRS give me a tax enema.  Enough said.

6.  Date anyone who has slept with Hugh Hefner or Mick Jagger.  Their swizzle sticks have been dipped in some sorry holes.  Ghonnorhea, syphilis, and the dust off of an old man’s balls are all things momma warned me to avoid.

7.  Try new and exotic restaurants and foods.  Anthony Zimmer makes eating pig ovaries look easy, but I like my food NORMAL AND WELL DONE.  Eating guts and calling it tripe or sweetbreads doesn’t fool me.  Get a breath mint and sit down somewhere Anthony.  Sheesh!

8.  Get a high colonic.  Irrigation is for crops.

9.  Have plastic surgery.  There have been to many horror stories about surgeries gone wrong and deaths from people getting nose jobs in places like Ethiopia.  Vanity is overrated, aging gracefully is underrated.

10.  Sacrifice time with my family in pursuit of money.  My Mya is worth way more to me than any dollar amount that will be thrown my way.

11.  Watch or understand the intricacies of Star Wars or .Star Trek.  Get a life and move out of mommy’s basement already!

12.  Dress in costumes(see #11) or attend a sporting event dressed as a character or in face paint.  Wearing your favorite player’s jersey to a game or your favorite wrestler’s tee is cool, but no discerning adult should ever look like an extra from Avatar or own/wear Ric Flair’s championship belts or robes in public.  Again… grow up and stop putting your name on the juice in mammaw’s fridge.

13.  Associate with people who:
          _see me only as a $ sign and/or penis,
          _define how an American of African descent should act/talk/dress, etc.,
          _are clueless,
          _are celebrities, 
          _abuse their body with tobacco and drugs

14.  Meet Justin Bieber.  There are people who I would just love to slap on sight.

15.  Join a political party.  They are all liars.  Elections usually come down to who tells the best lies, who can scare the Jews or old people the least, or voting for the lesser of two evils.

16.  Wear skinny jeans.  Self explanatory.

17.  Do stupid shit on a dare.  We’ve all eaten things that still were living, or done things that would make the CDC cringe, but I’m grown now and my days of eating slugs and putting ciggies out on my arm are over….I think.

18.  Swim with dolphins.  Watch Animal Planet.  They are horny little mammals who are more likely to hook their boner around your ankle and drown you, than they are to let you grab their fin so they can drag your fat ass across the pool.

19.  Say ‘no problem’ to people who are apologizing to me.  It is a problem or you wouldn’t have to apologize in the first place.  I will, however, say things like ‘I thought so’, and ‘don’t let it happen again’ in response to apologies.

20.  Own a cat.  They are sneaky.  They are moody.  At no point will anyone who lives with me and does not pay bills  have more attitude than me.

21.  Be guilt or regret free.  Life has many challenges and I intend to meet them all head-on.  To not have regrets means that I’m nit trying hard enough.

22.  Not drink wine.  I love the warm stupor that comes over me when I drink squished grapes.  Bad behavior, like burping loudly, is tolerated more when sipping vino, as long as it is from a glass with pinkie out and not straight from the bottle.  Besides wine farts smell better than beer farts.

23.  Stand in a long line to ensure my chance to buy the next ‘it’ Christmas toy.

24.  Be in a picture with a girl doing the duck face.  You look stupid…not sexy.  Enough said.

25.  Have my name become a punch line or a verb… i.e. ‘ dude went all Sheen at work,’ or “I might have to OJ a bitch.’  It’s sad really, and my granddad would not hesitate to come back and whip my candy ass.


The Real Truth of Life As a Warrior

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 14, 2011 by beneaththeunderdog

I wrote this on August 9 and really didn’t have the guts to post this until now.  The tragedy that was that helicopter falling from the sky, loaded with Navy SEALs struck us all who live in Hampton Roads.  Writing this then seemed cruel, but having read it this morning I think it is the best way to honor these men.  I love these men that I’ve never met, because we all shouldered a burden that a vast majority of our nation will never know: putting our lives on the line to preserve the idea and ideals of America.  God bless you boys.  We’ll never forget.

The machine rolls on.  Men suffer.  Men die.  The machine rolls on.  Children remember.  Women cry.  The machine rolls on.  Organs hum.  Taps echoes.  The machine rolls on.

Small towns all over America are mourning the deaths of our beloved SEALs.  There are countless stories, both personal and anectdotal, being shared with news  and blog elements.  It is how we honor our fallen, with reverence and a solemn dignity.    But what about the SEALs that were left behind?

Fact is that SEALs have little opportunity, and will, to stand still to remember and pay homage, because the operations tempo never stops.  The machine that is America military is rigged to grind on.  Grind on past the tears and feelings and emotions.  I dare say their replacements are already enroute, and the mission if slowed at all, was only hindered by the amount of time it took to get the next helicopter to the war theater. 

It may sound heartless and cruel, but I’d bet that not one tear was shed in that desert on Sunday.  These men are the finest of the professional warriors that America has to offer.  That is not to say that they aren’t affected emotionally, but those men have learned and perfected the art of compartmentalization.  The feelings are there, but they’re buried below the surface beneath the importance of duty and mission.  There will be time for tears and remembering later.  At a watering-hole.  In a church.  Maybe even on your couch.  You’ll probably never even know they are mourning or why they’re hurting, because these men are used to existing in the margins and shadows.  For now though, there are still bullets flying and bombs exploding.  

Sunday’s lost are why we should  all be proud to fly our flag.  Knowing that there are boys, fathers, sons who put it all on the line, often times at the detriment of their own personal goals and lives, makes me feel safe.  They deserve our tears because they were and are the best of us.  They were men.  They were warriors in the strictest sense of the word.  They were heros who didn’t hesitate to die because they loved us so.

Leave SpongeBob Alone!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 13, 2011 by beneaththeunderdog

Well there’s a new outrage in America!  What’s new?  Apparently some doctor or scientist or psycho-brain, who can’t get any grant money for any legitimate research has now cast an ominous pall over the evil SpongeBob cartoon.  Or does it?  The AP reported  the American Academy of Pediatrics will take aim at the 12-year-old Nickelodeon show, reporting a study that concludes the fast-paced show, and others like it, aren’t good for children.  Reading this alone, parents around the nation were quick  to throw away the dvds. toothbrushes, costumes, pillow pets, and other Spongebob swag that Americans have spent millions of dollars to attain.  Spongebob is the new Hitler.  The once beloved sea sponge had no comment once this story was released, and no wonder.  No one likes muslims, high fructose corn syrup, gays, or Spongebob-like cartoons around their kids anymore.

Closer examination of the study might yield some different feelings.  The study measured how fast kids completed certain tasks in order to recieve a reward.  Spongebob, being a faster paced cartoon, seemed to energize the kids more than the group of kids who watched something like Oprah… or Murder She Wrote..or listened to the new John Tesh album.  The Spongebob kids seemed to complete their tasks faster and got the reward, usually candy of some sort, before the other group.

Suprise!  Spoongebob excites kids!

The scandal!

Now, what if they’d run that same experiment using the Murder She Wrote kids versus kids who say… worked out, or played outside in some vigorous sport.  I’d dare say the experiment would have yielded similar results.  Can you imagine an article exclaiming, EXERCISE IS DANGEROUS TO YOUR KIDS MINDS AND IS MAKING YOUR KIDS DUMB, BEWARE!!!!

Some people would believe it, and moreover, lots of people who learn how to parent from books, Dr. Phil, and Oprah, would make their kids sit down in zombie like states in order to shovel mass quantities of banal information into their kids in dull, droll tones AKA sending them to public schools where they earn titles like ADD and ADHD, which leads to drugs that turn our creative, energetic, and driven kids into docile and impressionable consumers of ________.

I remember cartoons that were violent like Tom and Jerry(Jerry slapped Tom no less than 30 times in a half hour), and Looney Toons(how many bombs and booby traps were made on that show?) being pumped harmlessly into my house.  I came out ok.  I think.

We’ve become a nation of scaredy-cats.  Now we’re the old people that hate that damned loud rock-n-roll music.  Spongebob isn’t going to have your kids drooling at the mouth.  The worst side effect may be a few destroyed aquariums and lost cleaning sponges.  Chill out parents.  It’s ONLY a cartoon.