It seems the world is awash with people putting together these so-called bucket lists: things to do before death. Well, there isn’t much left to accomplish for me… save for EVERYTHING. There are things that I want to avoid altogether or never re-experience.
I never want to:
1. Get hair transplants. I figure my hairline that’s akin to Mickey Mouse’s, helps me distinguish myself when it’s time to buy beer. I never, ever get mistaken for someone under 21 years of age and it helps my days go smoother… at the ABC store… and 7/11. Besides small children and babies think I’m a celebrity because I tell them the talking mouse is my cousin.
2. Pretend I’m remotely interested in the Kardashians or any of the other IQ challenged reality show temptresses. The faster my girlfriend knows that I hate Kim and Snookie the better. Now I won’t get maced because I fell asleep right when Snookie is about to fist pump or Kim is crying because her drink doesn’t have enough ice in it.
3. Have Dr. Phil give me life advice or Maury read the results of my paternity test. If I reach this level of stupidity and dysfunction, my problems are unfixable.
4. Go to estate sales. Something bothers me about walking through a dead persons house that have convenient price tags on everything the corpse worked to attain. The last thing I want is that little lady from the Poltergeist movies on speed dial.
5. Have the IRS give me a tax enema. Enough said.
6. Date anyone who has slept with Hugh Hefner or Mick Jagger. Their swizzle sticks have been dipped in some sorry holes. Ghonnorhea, syphilis, and the dust off of an old man’s balls are all things momma warned me to avoid.
7. Try new and exotic restaurants and foods. Anthony Zimmer makes eating pig ovaries look easy, but I like my food NORMAL AND WELL DONE. Eating guts and calling it tripe or sweetbreads doesn’t fool me. Get a breath mint and sit down somewhere Anthony. Sheesh!
8. Get a high colonic. Irrigation is for crops.
9. Have plastic surgery. There have been to many horror stories about surgeries gone wrong and deaths from people getting nose jobs in places like Ethiopia. Vanity is overrated, aging gracefully is underrated.
10. Sacrifice time with my family in pursuit of money. My Mya is worth way more to me than any dollar amount that will be thrown my way.
11. Watch or understand the intricacies of Star Wars or .Star Trek. Get a life and move out of mommy’s basement already!
12. Dress in costumes(see #11) or attend a sporting event dressed as a character or in face paint. Wearing your favorite player’s jersey to a game or your favorite wrestler’s tee is cool, but no discerning adult should ever look like an extra from Avatar or own/wear Ric Flair’s championship belts or robes in public. Again… grow up and stop putting your name on the juice in mammaw’s fridge.
13. Associate with people who:
_see me only as a $ sign and/or penis,
_define how an American of African descent should act/talk/dress, etc.,
_abuse their body with tobacco and drugs
14. Meet Justin Bieber. There are people who I would just love to slap on sight.
15. Join a political party. They are all liars. Elections usually come down to who tells the best lies, who can scare the Jews or old people the least, or voting for the lesser of two evils.
16. Wear skinny jeans. Self explanatory.
17. Do stupid shit on a dare. We’ve all eaten things that still were living, or done things that would make the CDC cringe, but I’m grown now and my days of eating slugs and putting ciggies out on my arm are over….I think.
18. Swim with dolphins. Watch Animal Planet. They are horny little mammals who are more likely to hook their boner around your ankle and drown you, than they are to let you grab their fin so they can drag your fat ass across the pool.
19. Say ‘no problem’ to people who are apologizing to me. It is a problem or you wouldn’t have to apologize in the first place. I will, however, say things like ‘I thought so’, and ‘don’t let it happen again’ in response to apologies.
20. Own a cat. They are sneaky. They are moody. At no point will anyone who lives with me and does not pay bills have more attitude than me.
21. Be guilt or regret free. Life has many challenges and I intend to meet them all head-on. To not have regrets means that I’m nit trying hard enough.
22. Not drink wine. I love the warm stupor that comes over me when I drink squished grapes. Bad behavior, like burping loudly, is tolerated more when sipping vino, as long as it is from a glass with pinkie out and not straight from the bottle. Besides wine farts smell better than beer farts.
23. Stand in a long line to ensure my chance to buy the next ‘it’ Christmas toy.
24. Be in a picture with a girl doing the duck face. You look stupid…not sexy. Enough said.
25. Have my name become a punch line or a verb… i.e. ‘ dude went all Sheen at work,’ or “I might have to OJ a bitch.’ It’s sad really, and my granddad would not hesitate to come back and whip my candy ass.